| im fake...i need to find myself |
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| 10:23pm 21/05/2006 |
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music: part of that world..little mermaid
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read all of this please.
u ever felt like u just sucked as a person?
yea me too.
in the dictionary under the word "fake" should be a picture of me. no joke no exaggeration.
funny how u never realize that ur doing wrong until u've done it and it's effects are a heavy burden on your life. then u try and run scared and pretend like it doesnt matter or like it didnt happen but in reality u cant run from it. u have to stand up to what u did and try to make it right. u cant pretend that "everything will be ok eventually" or "they'll get over it". somehow or another i became my father's child. meaning im just as crazy as that man...but im no where near as stubborn. and thankfully i also have the fight and maturity of my mother so i wont settle for who i am right now.
sometimes i look in the mirror and hate what i see (fareal). not my outter appearance but who i am on the inside. my true self. i'll contemplate all the shit i do and i really hate the person i am. i dont want ot be like this anymore. so i'm doing something about it.
no one knows u like u know urself. u just gotta be real with urself.
i need to learn to let my feelings show and to stop trying to hide everything under a fake ass smile. fake smile and lies only create more mess. i need to learn to let people know how i feel whether im mad, sad, happy, hurt, w/e. and i need to learn to do it to their face. smiling in faces and talking behind backs is a sign of someone who is not comfortable in their own skin. i dont know if it's a pride issue or self esteem issue or what but it's something i need to work on.
i need to stop trying to please people and trying be someone and something im just not. i am who i am. like me, love me or hate me.
i need to stop caring about what people think and letting that effect how i act and what i do. you cant please everyone and when u try u come off as a fake person.
i need to stop blaming others for my mistakes. it was my fuck up...not anyone elses. blaming others wont make it go away...just makes one more person upset with u.
i need to stop being so impulsive and think things through b4 i do and say them. i never think about the consequences and then i do something dumb and there u have it....mess.
i need to stop thinking the world revolves around Jessica Lynn Fair. there are people out there who have it 10 times worse than me and i sit and complain and petty BS.
i need to consider the feelings of others.
i need to work on my short temper. when i get upset i go off at the mouth and say shit i dont mean then it comes back to bit me in the ass.
i need to learn to let people go. especially people who have no business in my life. i need to keep the past in the past.
i need to learn to keep my damn mouth shut and keep my business MY BUSINESS.
i need to stop making excuses for what i do and say. own up to my mistakes like a woman.
i need to stop trying to make other people fix my problems for me and i need to confront my own mess.
i ned to stop talking about people.
i need to learn to be REAL.
most important...i need to stop depending on the attention of males. now i have no idea y i am that way...maybe something with my dad but that's something that i REALLY need to work on. going around liking every guy who looks my way is terrible and classless. im better than that, and i need to start acting like it. i need to learn to be happy with myself b4 i can try to be happy with someone else. trying to find happiness in these boys, men, niggas is not doing anything but making matters worse and making me look bad.
i pretty much just need to find myself and become a better person.
to people i've hurt...im so very sorry. from the bottom of my heart. remember that mistakes are human but being able to forgive is devine.
im gonna try real hard to start practicing what i preach. it may take a long ass time but maybe oneday i'll stop fucking up.
im gone need the help of my freinds tho. cause changing is gone be hard. |
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| home |
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| 03:54pm 21/05/2006 |
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mood:  sad music: some random stuff
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so yep im home and i cant think of any worse place to be. the whole way back i was just thinking about how much i DIDNT want to come back to this place. i was so relaxed there (besides my wisdom teeth). i was with my best friends in the world and away from BS. flint is like hell. i just came back to hell. ughh
anywho the trip was nice. we had tons of fun. the other companies still treat us like shit but it's all good. the dorms were...well...interesting? guess i gotta get used to it..eww. 25 girls in 2 bathrooms with two showers....that was an experience. the dances were cool tho. i enjoyed myself but im home now so funs over and hell has began...again.
ava and alex came down on friday and saved us from starvation. thanks ava...i really was going to die. i love them so much..all of them. it's amazing how we can be separated for like a year then get back together and nothing has changed. we all still click and always will.
dont wanna go back to school. im not doing meeting of the minds. if i fail...i fail. o well. not like i need those classes anyway and that's a dumb ass final. and im lazy. and i think im going down to virginia to stay with my brother all summer so i dont have to deal with flint people and flint shit. i just wanna go away. i'll come back in enough time to pack and go to state...where i'll have to deal with flint people yet again. fun shit.
how do u go from point A to point Z without even passing through B-Y? |
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| none |
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| 12:02pm 16/05/2006 |
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well im out..be back sunday!!
this is a WELL NEEDED get away |
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| 10:20am 15/05/2006 |
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mood:  indescribable
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u ever try to prevent a problem and end up causing a bigger problem that doesnt even need to exist?
yea i have too.
i need to learn to handle my circumstances before my circumstances handle me.
KFC is really good...just thought i'd add that.
yumm
im really gonna miss ballet. cant seem to get that off my mind. |
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| can it get any worse? |
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| 02:57am 15/05/2006 |
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mood:  stressed
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so today has pretty much sucked. i have so much going on right now it's ridiculous. i dont even know where to begin. when ever i concentrate on one thing i remember that i have like tons more to do then i start freaking out cause i dont know how im gonna get it all done.
so let's see:
~ I need to shop for food and clothes to take on this damn midstates trip on wednesday
~ I need to pay another $310 by today so i can go on the damn trip anyway
~ I need to go buy a digital camera
~ I need to find money to buy a digital camera
~ I need to wash and straighten my hair
~ I need to call some lady about this damn scholarship
~ I need to call around and reserve some place for me to have my open house
~ I need to START planning my open house
~ NHS induction is tomorrow so i need to find something dressy to wear to that
~ Gotta make sure all my hours are straight for NHS
~ I need to fill out this thing for senior honors night
~ I need to go buy ballet shoes and pink tights for midstates
~ I need to apply for 3 more scholarships b4 i leave
~ I need to pay my $20 debt from transcripts
~ Gotta send in this info to MSU for financial aid
~ Gotta shave my damn legs
~ I STILL need to write this paper for bean that was do like a month ago
And i have to find time to get ALL of this done within today and tomorrow
AND...
my mom is being a complete bitch and pissing me the fuck off. it doesnt help that i dont drive so she has to run me around so i can do all this shit. |
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| gezz |
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| 10:55am 14/05/2006 |
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mood:  annoyed
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i been writing in this thing a lot lately. got a lot on my mind i guess.
but no more depressing entries.
i think i like rock too much. this is all your fault manda!! i swear i cant get enough of it. i can relate to most of it..maybe that's not good lol.
cant wait for wednesday!! indiana here comes FYB! get ready for the ghetto ballerinas lol. that always cracks me up. we should have a ball tho. raves in elavators. late night parties. gross food. skinny stuck up white chicks who think we're ghetto and scary. sneaking boys into the room at 1 in the morning lol. ok so maybe that wont happen again but that was fun tho. i miss that kid. i wonder if he's gone pro yet? hmm....i google him later i guess.
cant wait until june 2...better yet june 5...i never have to see these people again. that makes me happy. is that mean? dont think i'll miss anyone at all besides kyle and my FYB girls and but i'll keep in touch with them. everyone else can kiss my ass and burn hell! ok that was harsh...everyone else can...go away?
i've been mean lately..o well. being nice is overated anyway.
kevin is hot and has a very nice ass. i kept staring at it today in class. if only he wasnt gay and old. o well...he's a nice piece of eye candy. he always calls me his girl too...that never made the situation any better. i'd do a triple and he'd say that's my girl. him and mark do that. i wonder if they're lovers? hmmm....gross.
i just ate some yummy crackers. i like crackers way to much for my own good. i dont know anyone who can just feast on crackers like me. is that normal?
so mother's day was...ok. i managed to get into only one fight con mi madre and it was a lil one. i kinda stayed away from her all day tho...maybe that was mean. o well..i hope my children have sense enough to stay the hell away from me.
adios |
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| last performance |
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| 06:11am 14/05/2006 |
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mood: melancholy
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i told myself i wasnt going to care that today was my last festival of dance...ever. i thought i was totally fine with it, but as i was watching the little CPW girls do their little ballet i started to think back to when i was 5 years old running around on that stage. i remember our little red and white puffy costumes and all of that jazz. i remember the first time i had to perform in the nutcracker as a little girl party guest when i was like 8 and how i thought it was "such a great part". i've been doing festival and nutcracker for like...my whole life. and now, all of a sudden, it's over. i'll never do it again. ever. i'll never perform on U of M's stage again. I'll never perform on Whiting's stage again. all i have left now is my last midstates which is in like 3 days. my days as a ballet dancer are dwindling down to becoming non existant. that's a scary thing dude.
i've been dancing at FIM for 15 years...wow. now it's..........over.
i really am going to miss it tho. politics and all. dancing at FIM has influenced my life so much. i wouldn't be the person i am if it werent for FIM and ballet and karen. they've practically molded me into..well...me. i cant even imagine how i would be and how my life would be if i didnt grow up through FIM. im so thankful for all the amazing aportunities i've had and the wonderfull friends i've made, i know these friendships will last a lifetime.
FIM and FYB will always be a part of me.
always and forever. |
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| grrr |
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| 02:45pm 13/05/2006 |
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mood: bitchy
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i feel like being a bitch. i think i'll be a bitch for the rest of the year. y not? |
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| kinda sad :-( |
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| 12:20pm 13/05/2006 |
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mood: crushed
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well prom was today and unfortuanetly so was my performance for FYB so prom had to take a back seat. at first i didnt mind it so much..ya know..like months ago i didnt even care. but it didnt really hit me until today at like 6pm that i was missing out on something that supposed to be incredibly special. MY senior prom with MY friends. it didnt help that people kept calling me asking why they havent seen me walk around yet...poop. so now im home..while everyone else is out having a ball..sitting at the computer on myspace and writing in this thing eating some ice cream. but o well i guess...cant go back now.
today wasnt all bad tho. i had fun with my girls as usual. had dance from 9:30 am to like 9pm...fun shit right? the performance went great. nice turn out. we had a picnic at kristin's house b4 the performance...we watched little mermaid...that was fun lol. we rock.
marc and sharae called and wanted to go out to eat after my performance so we went to bennigins where our waiter had a very nice ass. we were pretty much harrassing him and writing him little notes saying "you have a very nice ass". fun times.
but im tired as hell and i smell like sweaty old costumes and feet...so im gonna take a shower and go to bed so i can do it all over again tomorrow! lucky me right?
adios! |
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| what a day |
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| 01:54am 13/05/2006 |
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mood:  sleepy
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didnt go to school today. saw no point cause NO seniors were going to be there. man i think i have like 17 absenses now and i have to miss 3 days next week...eik!
dance was nice today. i love those girls more everyday.
i've been getting random phone calls from people i havent talked to in like forever and a day...dont mind tho. i seem to have lots more "phone free" time these days.
AK came to see me today at my uncle's house. that was nice. even though he has officially seen me at my worst. poor kid...i know that hurt his eyes.
filled out 3 scholarship apps today and let me tell u..my mom need to be just a little more graciuos for all the shit im doing for her. she seriously like got pissed at me cause i spent the entire morning flilling out apps and writing essays and sisnt clean the house. wtf? can she do that?! sorry im trying to help u out mom. y dont i just let u pay $17,000 a year. sounds good to me.
i hope me and kapree get along better than me and my mom cause if not this will be the longest 4 years of my life!!
well im sleepy and i have to be at dance at 9:30 in the damn morning till like 9pm. damn...should be fun |
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| firebird lol |
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| 09:06pm 11/05/2006 |
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mood:  happy music: firebird
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so dance was good. i hate the floor at U of M cause i can NEVER balance on it and that pisses me off. but it helps that NO ONE can balance on it so it's all good. i always love production week...warm up classes...guest artists...stages...performing. it's great. my passion. my love.
omg the costumes for firebird are hideous!!!! but funny. me. manda, emma, and emily look like lil bo petes and tara looks like the zombie bride. it's good fun tho. love it.
i love my FIM girls!! they make me sooo happy. my day was garbage till i got there and saw them. i dont know what i'll do w.o them next year...omg i dont even wanna think about it..makes me sad..im too happy to be sad right now. i'll just make more white friends at MSU!!
so i guess torry is raping me in the hall tomorrow....fun? on the phone with him now actually. funny kid.
sex is overrated. nuff said!
dont know what im doin after prom now. everybody wanna do something different and i dont know what group to go with...ughhh decisions decisions!
Life isn't fair, so get used to it!!!
well im out. |
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| firebird lol |
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| 09:06pm 11/05/2006 |
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mood: happy music: firebird
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so dance was good. i hate the floor at U of M cause i can NEVER balance on it and that pisses me off. but it helps that NO ONE can balance on it so it's all good. i always love production week...warm up classes...guest artists...stages...performing. it's great. my passion. my love.
omg the costumes for firebird are hideous!!!! but funny. me. manda, emma, and emily look like lil bo petes and tara looks like the zombie bride. it's good fun tho. love it.
i love my FIM girls!! they make me sooo happy. my day was garbage till i got there and saw them. i dont know what i'll do w.o them next year...omg i dont even wanna think about it..makes me sad..im too happy to be sad right now. i'll just make more white friends at MSU!!
so i guess torry is raping me in the hall tomorrow....fun? on the phone with him now actually. funny kid.
sex is overrated. nuff said!
dont know what im doin after prom now. everybody wanna do something different and i dont know what group to go with...ughhh decisions decisions!
well im out. |
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| lost |
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| 03:52pm 11/05/2006 |
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this is weird. im not sad, mad, angry or anything that i normally am. i feel calm right now...but something's just not right.
whoever said high school is a lot of drama wasn't lying. as a matter of fact "a lot of drama" is an under statement. high school is a whirlwind of all kinds of crazy emotions. one minute you're here then the next you're somewhere totally different...somewhere u never expected to be. me, personally, i've kinda learned to deal with it...but i tell you...if college is ANYTHING like high school then i dont think i can handle it. there's only so much one can take ya know?
i realized today that i have great friends...amazing friends. they may not be there ALL the time..but they're never far away and when you need them they never fail to be there for you. im going to miss a lot of them...a whole lot. even the ones who you fall out with...it amazes me that she still has my back...and always will.
im lost at the moment. at a loss for words. i know how i feel but i have no idea how to express it. i have this overwhelming sense of "out of control" going on right now and it sucks b/c i love to be in control of what's going on in my life. i hate this feeling cause i always do things i have no business doing...and turning to a certain someone who i have NO business turning to. he knows that he has me...and he knows that no matter what i will run back to him. the fact that he knows that is dangerous. the fact that he knows this also makes me feel outta control.
at least high school is almost over. but i have this terrible feeling that college will not be much better. my gut tells me that everything im going through now (which is a hell of a lot) will seem like baby shit when im there. that scares me. i dont know if i can handle that. im a strong individual..but sometimes i just want to cry. cry out all the pain. and the part that sucks is that i want to cry...buti have no more tears. they just like...wont form. it's weird.
well im off to dance now. that always makes me feel good. i love those girls soo much. and they may very well be the only individuals (outside of my family) who love me. |
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| spring break |
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| 05:44pm 17/04/2006 |
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mood: crushed music: it's so hard to say goodbye
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wow haven't written in this in like forever! but yea it's spring break and what does that mean? complete boredom for a week and a half!! great huh? i dont know what im going to do with myself besides shop and spend an ungodly amount of money on crap 4 the summer. fun shit.
so im gettin ready to graduate and it's crazy. it seems like just last year i was sitting and thinking about how much longer i have and how it seemed like it was never going to get here and now look. it's mid april of my senior year and i can barely believe that i'm almost done. i dont even know if im ready to be done. it's so unreal. so.....wow. it's funny how i wanted so badly to be a senior and how i couldn't wait to graduate and now that it's here staring me in the face i wanna run scared. im so not ready to leave all my friends. my family. even tho high school has been an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs i dont think im ready to leave. just to think that some of these people i may NEVER see again in my life is scary. i've built such great relationships and now they have to come to an end. i wont even believe in the whole "we'll keep in touch" bit cause people never do. maybe for a few weeks or maybe even a month but let's face the facts...some of us may never speak again. weird huh? i've spent so much of my life with these people and now this chapter is coming to a close and i dont know how to handle it. how do i say goodbye to all of this? i keep thinking back to my freshman year when everything was so new...so fresh. central seemed like this HUGE place that i was never going to understand. i never thought i'd learn the ropes. now it seems so small and intimate. i've learned a lot from my school...from flint period. a lot about myself and others. i've learned that people are not always going to like u and they may not always have reasons not to. i've learned that people will try their hardest to break u but u just have to keep strong. i've learned the hard way that u cannot trust everyone.
man...thinking about this is making me sad. that's y i dont write in this thing. makes me think to much. |
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| silly |
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| 11:41pm 29/03/2006 |
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mood: dumb as hell music: kinda obvious isn't it?
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Silly of me to think that I
Could ever have you for my guy
How I love you
How I want you
Silly of me to think that you
Could ever really want me too
How I love you
You're just a lover out to score
I know that I should be looking for more
What could it be in you I see
What could it be
Oh...oh...oh...love, oh, love
Stop making a fool of me
Oh...oh...oh...love, oh, love
Stop making a fool of me
Silly of me to think that you
Could ever know the things I do
Are all done for you
Only for you
Silly of me to take the time
To comb my hair and pour the wine
And know you're not there
You're just a lover out to score
And I know that I should be looking for more
What could it be in you I see
What could it be
Oh...oh...oh...love, oh, love
Stop making a fool of me
Oh...oh...oh...love, oh, love
Stop making a fool of me
Ooh...hoo...hoo...hoo...
Silly of me to go around
And brag about the love I've found
I say you're the best
Well, I can't tell the rest
And foolish of me to tell them all
That every night and day you call
When you could care less
You're just a lover out to score
And I know that I should be looking for more
What could it be in you I see
What could it be
Oh...oh...oh...love, oh, love
Stop making a fool of me
Oh...oh...oh...love, oh, love
Stop making a fool of me, uh-huh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh...ooh...ooh...silly
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh...ooh...ooh...silly
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Silly
Ooh, ooh, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Silly
La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Silly |
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| how did i allow this |
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| 01:26am 29/03/2006 |
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mood: disappointed music: comes to light---jill scott
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i feel so empty..like i've lost a part of me. i cant hold this in forever and i cant hold him forever. there comes a point when i just need to breath and let go. i've held so much inside of me and i've put so much into him that i feel so disappointed. things are never going to be how i want them to be with him. he's never going to change. i've spent so much time and energy trying to change him that i've changed myself. i thought by staying trying to change him would be worth it maybe...but now i see that trying to change him only changed me. i've become so...not jessica. i change guys like i change underwear now and it's gross. i've become this girl that i dont like. this girl that doesnt mind hurting people...who doesnt care anymore. i've become obsessed with payback and i trust no one. i feel like the walls are crashing in on me. i find myself asking y me? how did i let it get this far? how did i make this wrong turn? how do i change the things he's done? how do i make things right? when are things going to come to the light? when will things make sense like they did b4 i met him. i cant pretend this doesn't hurt...it hurts deeper than i ever imagined it could. why have i stayed by him? why did i try so hard to make him into a better person? why did i put him b4 myself? y did i almost give him the most precious gift i can give? how did i allow myself to do that? where in the hell was my conscience at? can someone please tell me...help me? can someone please tell me when the healing starts..cause i'm lost here. i've lost myself.
make it stop...make it go away...make it fade |
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| almost there!! |
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| 05:03am 13/03/2006 |
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mood:  awake
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it's almost time for me to graduate and leave high school for good!!!!! yay! im so excited it's ridiculous! |
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| wow |
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| 09:56pm 08/03/2006 |
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nights like this make me LOVE high school |
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| last time |
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| 11:50pm 16/02/2006 |
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mood:  blah
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well this is my last time posting as a 17 year old!!! in a few minutes i'll be 18. i'll be grown. i'll be legal! AHHH!!! omg that's acary. it's really happening....im grwoing up and it's scary as hell. i have like 10 more minutes of childhood...im about to be a legal adult. shit..... |
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almondeyez23133's journal